Lessons From The Gayborhood

It's been over a year (I can't believe it!) and there are a few things I have learned from living in the hood. This is perhaps what would be the start to a survival guide of staying safe and drama free at the 2929. You'd think it wouldn't be so difficult but the gayborhood is trickier than it seems...

1) If you ever see two brothers, who are dressed alike, who look alike, and who are equally wasty-face, do not even try to communicate. You will be tempted to think you're being helpful by offering to buzz them in (being that they came home and amazingly forgot their keys but still managed to remember their chinese take out) but they will not see it this way. Somehow your kind gesture of clicking them in will be seen as a threat to their autonomy and intelligence and will this will only get you drunken slurs as they deny your help anyways.

2) Never go outside after midnight alone. You always need to have a friend with you (think the buddy system that was enforced during every middleschool field trip you've ever taken). Wthout a buddy there is an increasingly high a probability of you witnessing/being asked to mediate a dispute between boyfriends. If this happens:

3) DO NOT ENGAGE

You will be tempted to think you can help (you're wrong)

You will say to yourself, I was in a sorority, I spent four years de-escalating drama. There's nothing I can't handle. What could be worse than drunk college girls arguing over boys?

Well. There is such a thing. And that would be drunk post-college boys arguing over boys.

You will want to explain how one isn't really listening to the other.

You will want to point out that their being intoxicated is a clear indication they should wait until later to have this convo.

You will want to advise them that honesty is always the best policy.

And I'm just going tell you now: this will not go well for you.

Especially if one or more of them has any of the following items: a whistle, a drink brought home from the bar, high heels, or a visor. I'm not even going to explain why, it's just a warning. Heed it.

If you see any of these four signs before it's too late, turn your happy ass around and head inside. Immediately.

Do not stop. Do not ask questions. Do not take a backward glance.

And finally, perhaps the most important rule.

4) Do not pick an idiot to be your buddy.

I won't elaborate more on that other than to say, if you think your buddy might throw you under the proverbial bus (something to the effect of announcing the fact that you are a counselor by profession to a incoherent sobbing gay man) then they probably will. And you will be P-I-S-T.

So save youself the drama and choose wisely.