I Would Do Anything For Selena!

So I promised stories. Multiple stories. And I need to make good on my promises lest anyone call me a liar.

Probably the best night in the gayborhood to date:

I was with my good friend April (really you need to remember her name because she's pretty much in all the stories). So April and I are walking in. It's sometime around 2 am, because everybody knows the gays don't begin coming home until then.

Anyways. We are walking up and recognize one of our good friends. Let's just call our friend Jared for the sake of anonymity. And Kyle is with his new boyfriend (or so we assume). Let's call him Kyle.

As we approach an obviously intoxicated Jared exclaims "Selena! Selena!"

Now I turn immediately to April because she's Hispanic and I'm thinking he thinks she's the famous dead singer Selena. But no.

Instead, he walks straight up to me and says "Selena! Selena Gomez! I just LOVE you" and starts stroking my hair.

For those of you who don't know, Selena Gomez is the Hispanic star of Disney's Wizards of Waverly Place. She also reportedly dated Taylor Lautner (hottie Jacob from Twilight and New Moon) and Joe Jonas.

I mean I know I'm dark skinned and am often mistaken for a minority of some sort. And my hair is totally voluminous and perfectly coiffed at all times like above picture. But seriously people, she's only 17!

But back to my story, because this drunken mans mistake is by far the most mild mistake of the night for him.

So our friend Jared who's also wasty face, pulls me away and explains to me that new boyfriend is not actually new boyfriend. Rather, he is some guy who followed him home from the bar, and unfortunately for Jared also happens live at our apartment complex.

As I'm trying to listen to Jared and ease his plight, I hear Kyle beginning to tell April (who is sitting down on the steps) how beautiful she is. Now for those of you who have not yet had the pleasure, gay men have an affinity for doing this. They tell you how gorgeous you are, how much they like your hair and how fab your outfit is. In fact living in the gayborhood can do wonders for a girls self-esteem. So I'm not really paying attention until he leans down, puts his hands on her face and then proceeds to straddle her.

That's right. Gay man, straddling my friend, hands gripping her face and stroking her hair while going on and on about how she's a hottie Latina.

So I'm laughing. I mean it's funny right? UNTIL he then pushes her back and starts grinding against her/ humping her. And at this point I'm torn. If it were a straight man I'd kick him where it hurts and call security. But this guy is obviously gay, has already complimented me by comparing me to someone famous, and really he's not much bigger than me or April. So instead of doing the right thing (ok, ok, I'm a terrible friend at this point) and saving April, I just start laughing at her expense and wait for him to stop, which is shortly after. At which point April and I decide we've had enough for the day and head inside.

She's a little traumatized by the event but quickly recovers when we realize it's totally worth it to be able to say, "Remember the time you got humped by the gay guy on my front steps?"

Just another night in the hood.