Why Do You HATE Me?

In the words of Meredith Grey, "Seriously? Seriously?"

So it's another night where April and I are hanging around outside at the BEST possible moment. Sometimes I think the universe is just lining these things up for us because we are always in the right place at the right time when it comes to the gayborhood.

So... A little back story. There are these gay brothers. They look like twins but in fact are not. They ALWAYS come in trashed. Every. Single. Weekend. And some week nights.

They ALWAYS have a take out bag of food. Every. Single. Time.

One is usually a little bit less wasty than the other. I'm going to assume he's older brother. They are ALWAYS together. I have yet to see one without the other. The only exception was one freezing cold night in December when younger brother was outside in the 15 degree weather on his phone in a freaking bathrobe. Really?

But I disgress.

April and I are standing outside and see these two fools on the horizon. We literally are already laughing because by now the brothers are like gay royalty to us. There is a guaranteed scene every time they are around.

And like always they come staggering up the steps, plastic bag of take out in hand. They normally are having some kind of brotherly tiff but this time it's an all out fight. Older brother has younger brother by the arm and he is SCREAMING "You're hurting me! You're hurting my arm!" like his is 5 and wiggling all around in attempt to get free. Older brother is rebuking him for making some kind of scene at one of the bars and evidently getting them tossed out into the cold. He's screaming, "You embarrassed me. You always embarrass me!" At this point we let them pass us to click inside, knowing 1) we don't want to be in the elevator with that, and 2) you can still hear everything through the glass doors.

April and I are already giggling while they are waiting for the elevator (which btw is the slowest elevator in the world). And all of a sudden younger brother starts crying.

Yes, crying.

And again starts screaming at older brother, "Why do you hate me? Why do you hate me so much? Whyyyyyyyyy?!"

Full grown man, waving his plastic bag of food in the air, screaming and crying in our lobby before storming out the back door.

And welcome to my ridiculous life.

The Great Escape

So it's another night in the hood. I'm standing outside about to click myself into the elevator when two Hispanic men walk up to me and ask for some help. I'm on the phone with April but I quickly abandon our convo because I know whatever mess these guys are in it's going to be good.

So... There are two men. One looks to be in his mid-forties. Definitely gay. And kind of big and tall (you'll need to know this later). The other is young, probably mid-twenties, and surprisingly does not seem gay. The older man, we'll call him Michael, is looking for his boyfriend/friend/they just broke up again/I don't even know, who lives upstairs. The younger guy, let's call him Juan, is gay man's straight nephew that he has just taken out to all the gay bars. Got all that?

Michael has dragged poor Juan all over Cedar Springs before walking over to 2929 to try to find his man and I felt sorry for the poor kid so I decided to stick around. Plus I have a 6th sense when it comes to drama, I can just feel it in the air. In support of this theory down the stairs comes Brian, a tall black man with a visor on. Yeah, I said visor. Like the kind frat guys like to wear while playing ultimate frisbee in an attempt to hold back the swoop.

Courtesy of:

http://www.southernproper.com/store/gentlemen/frat-hats.html

I quickly pick up that Brian is not happy that Michael is at his door, but he's trying to be nice. Brian is seems pretty good natured and begins recounting for the nephew their last fight. And away we go...

Story is that a few days ago they were leaving the bars. Michael was evidently belligerent and insisting he wanted Taco Bueno. All he wanted in life at that moment was Taco Bueno. He wanted a chicken soft taco and he wanted one bad. Therefore, an annoyed Brian begrudgingly takes him to Taco Bueno at 2 am. During the ride back they get into a fight over the music in the car, with the argument escalating to Michael's drunken accusation "You love that iPod more than you love me!" So Michael, in a brilliant and well thought out move, proceeds to smash the iPod in between the car door. Breakup ensues. Michael then walks home and that is the last Brian sees of him...

Until tonight.

And I have the glory of witnessing it.

Nephew is standing there, obviously uncomfortable as the two rehash the fight and ask me to tell them who is right (At this point they know I'm a shrink, so I'm screwed). I mean, I don't even love my iPod that much, but I sure as hell would have broken up with the crazy joker who smashed it in a car door. But do I say that? NOOOOO.

I start mumbling something about needing to go inside. But this tactic doesn't work on the gays. They have me right where they want me, trapped. I'm starting to panic because everyone knows that no matter how nice the gays are they will turn on you in one hot second. So I'm thinking and thinking of what I can say that will appease both these men, and I got nothin.

When all of a sudden up walks my escape.

If you have read my blog you remember "Kyle" the guy who called me Selena Gomez and humped my friend April. Well it is none other than sweet Kyle who comes staggering up the steps at this very moment, obviously drunk and again screaming "Selena!" as he sees me.

Not only does his unbalanced hug push me a little further towards the door, but Kyle then turns to talk to Michael and Brian, and in the process gets distracted by the frat-ish visor. And as a typical gay man he starts in with the fashion advice. He starts making fun of the visor which pisses off not Brian, the one actually wearing it, but wasty face ex-boyfriend Michael. Words get exchanged and it's the war of the gays. Little Kyle pushes big Micheal and Brian has to jump in between.

I see my out and I take it.

I pull Kyle towards the door and put him in the elevator apologizing and saying I'm making sure he gets home safe. What I'm really thinking is that I am safe! Breathing a sigh of relief I listen to Kyle's obsession with Selena Gomez for a few more minutes before we reach his floor and he stumbles out.

And there you go kids. Just another day in the hood.

GTL Baby. Gym. Tan. Laundry.

So first a confession...

I live a somewhat ridiculous life. Ok, ok, I live a totally ridiculous life. I understand that by 27 most people are married, have kids, or at least probably own a house (Courtney Shelton).

Not me. Nope. No house. No kids. And after 27 years evidently still no maturity.

One thing my best friends know about me is that I LOVE scenes. And I mean LOVE. If there is a way to create one I will find it. Normally it is at the expense of my nearest and dearest friends (Gina), for which I am acutely aware they are starting to become resentful of. I can't help it though. I blame this all on my father, who is the most fun but also most embarrassing man I know. At a young age I learned that I would have to lose any sense of embarrassment if I were to survive life with him. And from there it just continued.

Which ends up being perfect for the group of friends I now hold. We share a love for TV/ addiction to Grey's, LOST, and GG. Additionally, we all share an unhealthy obsession with the trashy show Jersey Shore. I know, I know. I'm a little ashamed even as I say it, but it's like watching a train wreck, you can't take your eyes away.

SO... the product of these wonderful friends obsession with MTV's newest debacle plus my love for creating scenes equals...

JERSEY SHORE BABY

Ladies, meet Ryan "The Body" Sollum

Here's the story. Two of my dearest friends are sisters whose birthdays just happen to fall within two days of each other. I mean it's fate. Last year we had an 80's prom themed party whose ridiculousness was through the roof, yet remained in the confines of our apartment.

THIS year however, we took the party out to Dallas. The result...

Katie and Elizabeth Garton aka "The Opportunity " and "E Pow"

If you haven't Jersey Shored your name yet you totally should. Mine is "The Incident" which is scarily accurate.

(http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/ )

Beating the beat. Gotta start low.

Typical. Ryan and all the girls.

I'm not going to lie. We got the DIRTIEST looks from every other girl at the bar when we walked in. You could tell they thought we were T-rash (this is the point I enjoy though, the reaction). However, once they figured out what we were doing everyone in the bar decided to join in on beating the beat and some good fist pumping action. All in all, Best. Birthday. Ever.