The Great Escape

So it's another night in the hood. I'm standing outside about to click myself into the elevator when two Hispanic men walk up to me and ask for some help. I'm on the phone with April but I quickly abandon our convo because I know whatever mess these guys are in it's going to be good.

So... There are two men. One looks to be in his mid-forties. Definitely gay. And kind of big and tall (you'll need to know this later). The other is young, probably mid-twenties, and surprisingly does not seem gay. The older man, we'll call him Michael, is looking for his boyfriend/friend/they just broke up again/I don't even know, who lives upstairs. The younger guy, let's call him Juan, is gay man's straight nephew that he has just taken out to all the gay bars. Got all that?

Michael has dragged poor Juan all over Cedar Springs before walking over to 2929 to try to find his man and I felt sorry for the poor kid so I decided to stick around. Plus I have a 6th sense when it comes to drama, I can just feel it in the air. In support of this theory down the stairs comes Brian, a tall black man with a visor on. Yeah, I said visor. Like the kind frat guys like to wear while playing ultimate frisbee in an attempt to hold back the swoop.

Courtesy of:

http://www.southernproper.com/store/gentlemen/frat-hats.html

I quickly pick up that Brian is not happy that Michael is at his door, but he's trying to be nice. Brian is seems pretty good natured and begins recounting for the nephew their last fight. And away we go...

Story is that a few days ago they were leaving the bars. Michael was evidently belligerent and insisting he wanted Taco Bueno. All he wanted in life at that moment was Taco Bueno. He wanted a chicken soft taco and he wanted one bad. Therefore, an annoyed Brian begrudgingly takes him to Taco Bueno at 2 am. During the ride back they get into a fight over the music in the car, with the argument escalating to Michael's drunken accusation "You love that iPod more than you love me!" So Michael, in a brilliant and well thought out move, proceeds to smash the iPod in between the car door. Breakup ensues. Michael then walks home and that is the last Brian sees of him...

Until tonight.

And I have the glory of witnessing it.

Nephew is standing there, obviously uncomfortable as the two rehash the fight and ask me to tell them who is right (At this point they know I'm a shrink, so I'm screwed). I mean, I don't even love my iPod that much, but I sure as hell would have broken up with the crazy joker who smashed it in a car door. But do I say that? NOOOOO.

I start mumbling something about needing to go inside. But this tactic doesn't work on the gays. They have me right where they want me, trapped. I'm starting to panic because everyone knows that no matter how nice the gays are they will turn on you in one hot second. So I'm thinking and thinking of what I can say that will appease both these men, and I got nothin.

When all of a sudden up walks my escape.

If you have read my blog you remember "Kyle" the guy who called me Selena Gomez and humped my friend April. Well it is none other than sweet Kyle who comes staggering up the steps at this very moment, obviously drunk and again screaming "Selena!" as he sees me.

Not only does his unbalanced hug push me a little further towards the door, but Kyle then turns to talk to Michael and Brian, and in the process gets distracted by the frat-ish visor. And as a typical gay man he starts in with the fashion advice. He starts making fun of the visor which pisses off not Brian, the one actually wearing it, but wasty face ex-boyfriend Michael. Words get exchanged and it's the war of the gays. Little Kyle pushes big Micheal and Brian has to jump in between.

I see my out and I take it.

I pull Kyle towards the door and put him in the elevator apologizing and saying I'm making sure he gets home safe. What I'm really thinking is that I am safe! Breathing a sigh of relief I listen to Kyle's obsession with Selena Gomez for a few more minutes before we reach his floor and he stumbles out.

And there you go kids. Just another day in the hood.